Moody Monday


It’s Monday again. Not a normal Monday though, where everyone feels a bit flat, pining for that excitement of the weekend. A kind of Ground Hog day of the worst Monday of your entire life, Monday. Sounds dramatic, I know.

I wrote a while ago about how anxiety and depression affect my day to day well being. I use the phrase ‘affect my life’ rather than that ‘I suffer from’. I don’t like to use the word suffer. It makes me sound like a victim. A victim of some terrible tragedy, and that, I am not. I have a lovely fulfilling life with a gorgeous and kind support network which includes my husband, children, a fabulous best friend and family. Even with all that, the demons get me. And they’ve got me bad at the moment.

I’m not planning on using this post to moan about trivial first world problems, nor gain your sympathy. I just want to use the platform to be more open about mental health and if me sharing how I feel or manage my mental health invites a conversation about your own mental health or that of a loved one, well, then that can only be good can’t it?

So, today I’m waiting to be referred back to my local mental health team. In short in the last two years I’ve had a period of severe anxiety and depression and I have recovered, and now I’m back there again. And the worst bit is that I know that it isn’t going to be the last time either.

I try to explain my cycles of ill health to my GP, physiatrist, husband and basically anyone else who asks, but because I have no obvious single (or, maybe it’s yet to be discovered) trigger, I haven’t got very far in trying to prevent relapses.

There are lots of logical things I do that are good for general well being – routine, part time work, me time, eating well, exercise and fresh air. These things also help others to convince themselves that I really am helping myself but to be honest, it doesn’t make that much difference when it comes to a mental health crisis, because if I’ve slipped that far, then it can feel impossible to see that anything could have prevented it.

I suppose I’m trying to make sense of why I am in this dark space in my head again and find some glimmer of hope that I will come out of it soon. Stephen Fry once described his mental health like the weather, and I have to agree; it may well be raining today and it may well be brighter tomorrow.

One thing that always surprises me when I talk candidly about my mental health issues, is that others themselves are surprised that I am affected by feelings of fear, panic or low mood. I don’t think I come across as the type. I guess I can be a master of disguise sometimes and put on ‘the face’. That’s not to say my smile isn’t always genuine, there are many times I am enjoying life. This makes it all the more difficult when I seem to lose the ability to enjoy even the simplest of life’s pleasures. Even the ability to pretend you’re enjoying life for the sake of others.

So that’s where I am right now. In fear. Hiding from the world by staying at home in pyjamas with zero motivation to wash my hair or even write much. Contemplating what cocktail of medication I may be put on next and if they will help or just make me balloon up two stone in a few months.

Maybe some of you are feeling this way too. Or maybe you’ve cracked it and have the answers to getting your brain under control. Get in touch either way. I’d love to hear from you.

6 Comments

  1. I understand more than you think… I have also had a bad year and I thought I had overcame it, but in the past few weeks I’ve been feeling like it’s coming back. I love that quote from Stephen Fry. I had never heard of it before and it’s the perfect way to describe mental illness.
    I hope you’ll feel better 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Claire

    What a beautiful, eloquent piece you’ve written. I’m so sorry your feeling the dark dogs presence. I love your spin on ‘affecting your life’ rather than suffering from. Over the past couple of years I’ve really struggled to find contentment within myself despite knowing my blessings well. Your writing really struck a cord with me. I’ve battled to understand what is the root cause and still am unsure as to the triggers of my darker moments. Undeniably my lack of confidence in my appearance had a huge impact and the inability I seemed to have to take control of it. No doubt since I’ve started losing weight and exercising regularly this year I’ve felt so much more in control which has in turn helped. It’s funny how you automatically think that as you get older you’ll become so much more self assured and confident whereas I’ve found it the opposite for myself. Lots of love to you and the famo Xxxxx

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your kind words Jen. Seems like there’s a lot of us ladies out there who give ourselves a hard time eh?! Sorry to hear you’ve felt this way too. I know it’s hard to believe it yourself when your brain tells you otherwise but you really are a beautiful person inside and out. Always have been Hun. Now if I could just listen to my own advice…… lol. 😘😘 xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Funny thing is that people are encouraged to be masters of disguise – hiding their mental issues under routine, regular sport, healthy diet, etc. and hoping that ‘coaching’ will help them, along with meditation. I mean, you’re brave that you’re speaking about your anxiety and depression openly, and those who believe that mood swings will be gone after a few tips from a coach, instead of a psychologist/psychiatrist therapy are just hiding, never realizing that they need more help than healthy diet, sport and routine.
    I’m not saying the advise and self-help is wrong, I’m saying it’s great for healthy individuals but for those affected by severe anxiety and depression it won’t be enough. And modern times support hiding and not facing those issues, rather than going to a mental helth specialist.
    All of us have to be more open about such issues. I live in a country where complaining is natural and it doesn’t help, I was also raised in the spirit of avoiding talking about mental issues and nowadays I fight every day to make people realize it’s just like any other illness – and we can talk about that and not treat each other as maniacs after we learn that a person goes to a therapy.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s