I read a post earlier from another blogger about how her anxiety that day, had affecting her posting some pictures of herself on her fashion blog.
It made me think how brave she was for being so open about how she feeling and how her anxiety had really impacted on what she wanted to achieve that day. I’ve never been open enough about my own mental health. Its something I’ve slowly had to get used to doing over the last year.
So, although this has nothing to do with beauty or make up, and I’m aware not everyone will agree or be comfortable with me putting these kind of thoughts & feelings out there on the internet for everybody to judge. But what matters more than that, is that someone who is also struggling with their mental health might read this and feel a little less alone, a little bit stronger or more positive afterwards. Or it might even give an insight to a family member or friend. So here goes…..
I have spent a lifetime struggling with highs and lows (mainly lows) in my mood and spent an obscene amount of my energy and time trying to cover up how I felt. I struggled in silence. You see, I’m not the kind of person who has mental health problems. I’m confident and smiley, fun to be around, strong and independent. Or, that’s what I became incredibly good at having people believe. Until last year. Last November I had a full mental health breakdown. The professionals call it a mental health crisis these days.
Essentially, my anxiety had reached such a level that I was crippled with fear. Unable to leave my bed for days, a deep depression set in. The worst I’ve ever experienced and what was unbearable to face, was that I knew it would not be the last. I was diagnosed with mood affective disorder – or, in other words ‘We’re not totally sure if it’s bipolar yet or not’.
In this last year, I have had to learn to slow down ALOT. Learn how to manage my mood to keep myself stable. Learn how to talk. Learn new ways of coping and most of all, learn how to accept the bad days. See, even with all the help and support I get, the 5 medications, the therapy and self help, nothing takes it all away completely. I finally accept this now. As in, now. Just. As I write this. Now.
Today was a good day and I took full advantage. Saw some friends, family and did some gardening, got stuff done. Because, as negative as it might sound to anyone else, tomorrow I may feel rubbish. I don’t know. No amount of positive thinking today will change how I might feel tomorrow. It’s a whole new day and I’ll just have to roll with it, however it comes. It can be that unpredictable. But then, if you are reading this and are feeling the same, you already know all that don’t you. Big love.
And, just so you know, the experts are right, it does feel quite therapeutic to write down your feelings. I might do it more often.